Whenever I thought about pregnancy or becoming a parent, I always imagined it would be a moment of bliss. We’d shed tears of joy, stare lovingly into each other’s eyes and see a future of possibility.
When I found out I actually WAS pregnant there was only the cold terror of a million unknown variables all being calculated at once.
I remember squatting over the toilet, staring at the pregnancy test as two lines decided my fate. My heart sloshed into my stomach and “oh, f*ck” came out of my mouth about a dozen times. I wish it was a happier moment, something I’d be happy to share with my son, Tav, but it was like a punch in the stomach.
Our wedding, which was fully planned and nearly paid for, just so happened to be exactly nine months away. It wasn’t like I could say, “Hey kid, we kind of already have plans that month. Mind if we take a rain check?”
Fetuses are lousy listeners.
My mind boiled over with questions. Priorities shuffled and reshuffled. Could we pull off a wedding in a few months and still be able to “afford” a new baby? A house to put baby in? If not, could we live as three in a narrow, 600 square foot basement apartment? More dread. Near-vomiting.
I remember handing my then fiancé the pregnancy test. He looked at it and his calm smile erupted into laughter as he said, “Thanks for not handing me the end you peed on.”
And that was it. Without hesitation, we started planning around baby. Instead of an obstacle, he became part of the goal.
I wanted to be a wife before I was a mother. Granted, I didn’t have to be married to do that, but I was scared that I would miss out on that critical bonding time with my husband before baby took over. T completely understood. I didn’t have to explain or argue. We jumped into the madness together and found our way.
We rebooked our photographer and venue, had our families re-RSVP and I still fit into my dress at 5 months. The honeymoon came and went, the months passed and we bought a house with a month left in the pregnancy to spare.
Those two pink lines foretold of life changes, but they never predicted how quickly they would come or the level of happiness they would bring. There were stressful moments anticipating the unknown, but with the right team, it was easy. Any fear or doubt I had of motherhood faded away when I first gazed into our son’s big blue eyes and caught a drool-drenched smile for the first time.
Everything we did was for him. Looking back, I wouldn’t have changed a thing.