Yes, I went there. My kid started pulling himself up on things, chewing on everything, crawling around and moaning at nothing. Naturally, the first thing I thought of was zombies.
Master of Stealth
Any loud noise will undoubtedly wake your sleeping walker. You must take every step cautiously to ensure they are undisturbed or misery will ensue.
The gargles, the grunting, the moans – especially terrifying if coming from behind a closed door after dark. If I didn’t know they were coming from my baby, I’d probably be running away or trying to find something to defend myself with.
The Kindness of Strangers
When Mommy’s little monster goes off in a store, it’s like a game of survival. People you normally wouldn’t associate yourself with instantly become friends. When you recognize other moms it’s like finding a friend in the apocalypse. Other moms quickly come to your rescue, sometimes sharing supplies, creating distractions or just offering a knowing look as a morale boost too.
Living with Biters
Everything baby touches instantly goes to it’s mouth, not unlike our undead counterparts. There’s no pause or hesitation, just a seemingly insatiable hunger. The softer and date I say, more flesh-like, the better.
If you’ve read Max Brook’s Zombie Survival Guide, you’ll know that zombies are relentless, never tire and use all of their strength to tear and grab without pause. If you’ve ever been pinched or grabbed by a baby, you’ll know that feeling of an unrestrained grip. It hurts and once it’s got you, good luck freeing yourself.
As my kid learned to crawl he started by pulling himself along by his arms. Lately he’s been groaning with excited hunger of the new discoveries afforded with his newfound mobility. It’s kinda creepy when he really gets into it.
Ok, so it’s not the stink of decaying flesh, but seriously, you learn to stomach the stench of every ungodly thing that comes out of your kid almost overnight because there really is no choice and this is life now.
Never Sleep Again
No place is safe for getting a full night of sleep. Even if you do manage to have an awesome sleeper for a child, chances are you’ll probably be waking up every hour or so on instinct to make sure everything is ok.
They’re never full and you’re always hungry, scrounging around the house trying to find yourself nourishment to keep going.
You can’t take your eyes off them. Crawling is one thing, pulling up on things and shambling about is another. You’ll need to constantly check to see where they are and what kind of potential hazards they’re creating. Keeping them distracted long enough in a safe, confined space is the key to survival.
Just when you’ve finally got a routine, a safe place, a comfort zone, your zombabies decide to hit a growth spurt or a new stage of development. The evolution is unnerving and terrifying, made all the more so by the fact that it’s going to keep happening.
Err. Yeah, about that. Forget doing anything hygienic on a schedule. If your mini walker is feeding or distracted you might get a chance to brush your teeth, but unless you have a buddy, forget it.
If you’ve seen a baby eat a cookie, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Unless completely undistracted, they will chew and gnaw, leaving only a husk of what once was.
Any others you guys have experienced? I’d love to hear them!